Studiestart fører med seg et minne: Jeg tenkte på ham igjen i dag. Jeg vet ikke hvor han ble av. Jeg mistet ham.
Vi møttes i klasserommet, to nyinnflyttede førstegangsstudenter, og ble raskt venner. Han var så åpen og morsom og varm. Vi tilbragte masse tid sammen. Spiste middager, spilte spill, så filmer, gikk på fest. Jeg ble på kort tid veldig glad i ham.
Vi klinte i fylla en gang. Jeg hadde litt hullete hukommelse dagen etter, men da minnet sakte kom tilbake til meg, tok jeg lett og lattermildt på det. Haha, så tåpelig. Vi er jo bare venner. Beklager, for noe fjas! Neste gang skal jeg la deg være i fred, stakkar.
Jeg innså ikke da at han kanskje opplevde det annerledes. Jeg forsto ikke at han kanskje ønsket noe annet. Jeg skjønte ikke at det kanskje gjorde vondt. Først en uke senere, da stemningen mellom oss hadde vært rar en stund, fikk jeg høre fra noen andre at han hadde vært svak for meg i lang tid. Jeg hadde aldri sett ham i det lyset, aldri tenkt på ham som noe mer enn en venn.
Jeg skulle ønske jeg hadde visst det. Skulle ønske jeg hadde taklet det annerledes. Vennskapet vårt falmet bort. Jeg savner ham.
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In other words: Today he popped up in my mind again. I don’t know where he went. I lost him. We met in the classroom, two fresh students who had just moved to town, and quickly became friends. He was so open and fun and warm-hearted. We spent lots of time together. Had dinners, played games, watched films, went to parties. I became very fond of him. We made out one night when we were both drunk. My memory was patchy the morning after, and when I slowly remembered the scene, I dismissed with an embarrassed laugh. How silly of us, we’re just friends! I’m sorry! Next time I’ll leave you alone, poor thing… I didn’t realise at the time that he maybe had another way of looking at it. I didn’t understand that he might have wanted something else, that it might have hurt. It wasn’t until a week later, when things had become strangely tense between us, that someone else told me he had fancied me for a long time. I had never looked him like that, never seen him as anything but a friend. I wish I had known. I wish I had dealt with it differently. Our friendship faded away. I miss him.